Identity Crisis

While I was at work today, going through the motions, not really loving my job like I use to, it hit me!  I finally came to terms with all of the emotions I've been dealing with for 9 months and I say 9 months because of an incident that happened before I had Elle (story for another time).  Anyways, I'm having a total identity crisis.  Yes, that's the best way I know how to explain it.  I find myself somewhere between the wannabe house wife and career (for lack of better words) woman. I’ve always wanted to work, there was never a question in my mind. Then I married John and gave birth to this beautiful baby and my world spun. Everything I once thought I knew flew out the window ( I bet my parents are just thinking to their selves, “told you so”). This has been part of my struggle for 9 months. I’m hoping to see an end in sight, but everyday I feel more confused. My snow day made it harder to come back to work the next day and made me even less motivated to pick up my school books.


I went back to school because I wanted to incorporate aspects of my current job with more people interaction and less cubicle time. I also knew one of the perks of being a nurse was the flexible schedule and plenty of job security.  Now, I’m in my last pre-requisite. I can’t even believe I made it this far and have thought about quitting... a word that I prefer to not be part of my vocabulary. Lately, I’m having a hard time seeing the long term benefits of this decision. If I don’t work full time, I want to work part time because that’s who I am, so why not work doing something I have a passion for? I don’t know what this picture looks like, but who really does know? What I do know is that I adore my husband and daughter and I don’t think it’s a secret that my world revolves around them no matter what I have going on (thanks Annie). 
 
I think I just feel pressure to make up my mind.  I'm suppose to apply to the nursing program this summer.  Can I really focus that hard for a year without feeling some sort of guilt?  I'm  not really sure.  Will I really be that upset if I don't get in?  Not at the moment.  Did I work so hard the last two years for nothing?  Possibly.  Will it all work out like it's suppose to?  Absolutely.  And that's why try to remind myself ... "what's for you will not go by you". 
 
I think the hardest part for new Mom's, in my opinion, is dealing with the "image" people think you should portray... 
 
I know some people don't agree with some of the things I do with Elle because that's not the way they did it.... well, I guarantee someone didn't agree with the way they did it either, but we all made it safe and sound, right?  I had to deal with certain people's expectations and at first I pretty much felt like a failure.  Now 7 months later I've learned to overcome those feelings.  Yes, I bottle fed, waited to long to give cereal, went back to work, didn't force Elle to wear a winter coat, leave her with a babysitter and cry at the same time to hangout with my hubby, etc.  I could literally go on and on with the comments people have said to me and you just get to a point where you stop caring because regardless of what people have said to me, I know what's best.
 
When I come home and see the smile on John's face and listen to Elle whine until I pick her up is pretty much the best part of my day.  Obviously I'm doing something right and their happiness is all that really matters to me anyways!